Understanding a Shame-Based Personality
There is a difference between blaming and shaming a person. Blaming is being told you did something wrong. Shaming is being told that there’s something wrong with you, and you’re worthless, bad, inferior or inadequate. Examples of shaming statements include:
• “You were a mistake; I wish I’d never had you”
• “You’re useless; you’ll never amount to anything.”
• “You could never do what he/she does”
• “You’ve ruined my life; you ruin everything for everyone”
Adults shamed in childhood have the following traits:
1. They are afraid to share their true thoughts and feelings with others.
2. They are terrified of intimacy and put up walls in relationships. They also fear commitment as they expect to be rejected.
3. They are often extremely shy, easily embarrassed, and are terrified of being shamed or humiliated. They tend to suffer from debilitating false guilt.
4. They struggle with feelings of worthlessness and believe they are inferior to others. They believe that is something they can never change as worthlessness is at the core of who they are.
5. They often feel ugly and flawed, even when they’re beautiful – and everyone tells them that.
6. They may be narcissistic and act as if they have it all together; alternatively, they may be completely selfless, almost to the point of being a doormat.
7. They are often very defensive and find it hard to bear the slightest criticism. They feel as if they are being constantly watched and judged.
8. They have a pervasive sense of loneliness and always feel like outsiders (even when others genuinely like and love them).
9. They feel controlled – as if they always have to do want others want and say – and this blocks spontaneity.
10. They are perfectionists and usually suffer from performance anxiety. This may also cause them to be procrastinators.
11. They tend to block their feelings through compulsive behaviors like eating disorders, retail therapy or substance-abuse.
12. They find it hard to establish and enforce healthy boundaries with others.
Help for a Shame-Based Personality
If you think you have a shame-based personality then the following suggestions might help you deal with this.
First … What NOT to do
1. Recognise that you’re being lied to –what they’re saying isn’t true. The truth is you’re a valuable and worthwhile individual. Choose to believe that this is true. Accept – and don’t reject – yourself.
2. Realise that it is pointless to argue against those who are in the habit of shaming, and putting you down. They don’t care about the truth - so save your breath; don’t waste your time.
3. Avoid the person who is shaming you as much as you can. You don’t need that kind of toxic person in your life.
4. Recognise and resist when they attempt to control you by embarrassing, shaming or manipulating you. Relationships are based on a healthy respect. You discuss and negotiate - you don’t try to control.
Second … What TO Do
1. Remember that “Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.” When others try to dump on you, refuse to take it. Healthy people don’t dump shame on others. So, recognise that the problem is theirs – not yours.
2. Remove yourself from the influence of the shamer. That’s not a healthy place for you to be.
3. When you feel more confident. Think about confronting the shamer. Tell them (respectfully) that you’re not accepting that kind of treatment, then end the conversation and walk away.
4. Deliberately surround yourself with healthy people who can see your strengths and who will treat you well.
There is a difference between blaming and shaming a person. Blaming is being told you did something wrong. Shaming is being told that there’s something wrong with you, and you’re worthless, bad, inferior or inadequate. Examples of shaming statements include:
• “You were a mistake; I wish I’d never had you”
• “You’re useless; you’ll never amount to anything.”
• “You could never do what he/she does”
• “You’ve ruined my life; you ruin everything for everyone”
Adults shamed in childhood have the following traits:
1. They are afraid to share their true thoughts and feelings with others.
2. They are terrified of intimacy and put up walls in relationships. They also fear commitment as they expect to be rejected.
3. They are often extremely shy, easily embarrassed, and are terrified of being shamed or humiliated. They tend to suffer from debilitating false guilt.
4. They struggle with feelings of worthlessness and believe they are inferior to others. They believe that is something they can never change as worthlessness is at the core of who they are.
5. They often feel ugly and flawed, even when they’re beautiful – and everyone tells them that.
6. They may be narcissistic and act as if they have it all together; alternatively, they may be completely selfless, almost to the point of being a doormat.
7. They are often very defensive and find it hard to bear the slightest criticism. They feel as if they are being constantly watched and judged.
8. They have a pervasive sense of loneliness and always feel like outsiders (even when others genuinely like and love them).
9. They feel controlled – as if they always have to do want others want and say – and this blocks spontaneity.
10. They are perfectionists and usually suffer from performance anxiety. This may also cause them to be procrastinators.
11. They tend to block their feelings through compulsive behaviors like eating disorders, retail therapy or substance-abuse.
12. They find it hard to establish and enforce healthy boundaries with others.
Help for a Shame-Based Personality
If you think you have a shame-based personality then the following suggestions might help you deal with this.
First … What NOT to do
1. Recognise that you’re being lied to –what they’re saying isn’t true. The truth is you’re a valuable and worthwhile individual. Choose to believe that this is true. Accept – and don’t reject – yourself.
2. Realise that it is pointless to argue against those who are in the habit of shaming, and putting you down. They don’t care about the truth - so save your breath; don’t waste your time.
3. Avoid the person who is shaming you as much as you can. You don’t need that kind of toxic person in your life.
4. Recognise and resist when they attempt to control you by embarrassing, shaming or manipulating you. Relationships are based on a healthy respect. You discuss and negotiate - you don’t try to control.
Second … What TO Do
1. Remember that “Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.” When others try to dump on you, refuse to take it. Healthy people don’t dump shame on others. So, recognise that the problem is theirs – not yours.
2. Remove yourself from the influence of the shamer. That’s not a healthy place for you to be.
3. When you feel more confident. Think about confronting the shamer. Tell them (respectfully) that you’re not accepting that kind of treatment, then end the conversation and walk away.
4. Deliberately surround yourself with healthy people who can see your strengths and who will treat you well.
5. Notice and affirm your good qualities and strengths – and stop thinking of those lies that the shamer dumped on you. Focus only on the positives - and choose to LOVE YOURSELF!
